Strategies for Balancing Self-Care and Altruism to Achieve Personal Well-being Without Feeling Guilty
"I deserve the finest life has to offer, and I joyously give myself permission to receive it." - Louise Hay
Glancing back at my life, I can see that for a considerable period, I neglected my personal wants and needs, not making them a priority. I felt uncomfortable with this, and at times, even viewed it as selfish. I was a giver by nature, finding immense happiness in sharing my time, energy, and love. Yet, I faced considerable hurdles when it came to receiving.
Deep down, I'm a nurturer, deriving immense joy from giving to my family, friends, and employers. I prided myself on pleasing others and bringing smiles to their faces. I still believe there's nothing wrong with that, but my main mistake was treating myself as insignificant.
During my time working for a multinational company in Shanghai, I planned a team-building event. I decided on a Chinese cooking class and, needless to say, everyone had a blast. Everyone was cooking, laughing, and snapping pictures, while I was busily monitoring the proceedings, making sure everything was perfect.
After the class, it was time for dinner, a chance for us to savor our hard work and unwind. Everyone had their seats and was ready to feast, except for me. I had spent hours arranging the seating, organizing team games, and ensuring the event would be memorable. And it was, especially for everyone else.
That day was a wake-up call, a jolt that echoed through my bones. My colleagues inquired about my plans to join them for dinner, but I couldn't reply. Caught up in the whirlwind of making everything flawless for everyone else, I'd forgotten about myself.
My initial response was self-blame. How could I have done something so moronic? How could I have been so stupid? I felt angry with myself and resentful toward my mother, too.
From a young age, I observed my mother dedicated to our family, day in and day out. She worked tirelessly, with determination and grace, yet she never emphasized the importance of setting boundaries or taking care of herself. It was simply the best she knew, and she did the best she could. Her mother had done the same, and so had her grandmother.
Looking back, I'm grateful for this priceless gift. My mother taught me how to serve, nourish, and nurture from the heart. However, there was one more lesson I needed to learn as an adult - that self-care was not selfish, but fair. Like everyone else, I'm also a person, deserving of love, care, and attention.
Now I understand I needed that experience to comprehend how old, ingrained behaviors didn't work in my favor. We can only tackle what we're aware of and accept as truth about ourselves, and denial is a trap.
To take better care of myself, I've implemented the following strategies:
1. Indulge in activities that nourish my spirit
If I can't find time for myself amidst a busy schedule, I make it. After all, my needs are just as important as everyone else's.
I've started spending more time alone. It doesn't mean I'm antisocial or disregard the company of others. It's my way of reconnecting with myself, finding my footing, reflecting, and recharging.
I take breaks during work hours, basking in the beauty of nature. I occasionally catch a good movie, read an intriguing book, or listen to soothing music, with my eyes closed. Sometimes I treat myself to a relaxing massage. I use my nice bed sheets and towels instead of saving them for guests, knowing I'm worth it.
2. Prioritize my physical well-being
I recognize my body as the sanctuary of my soul, and the only one I've got, so I nourish it with nutritious food and plenty of water. I schedule those long-awaited doctor appointments and yearly health checks. I allow myself time to rest when I need it, silencing my phone and disconnecting from the outside world for a while. Surprisingly, the world doesn't collapse.
3. Establish healthy boundaries with the world outside
One of the most challenging lessons I've learned is how to say "no" to things I don't truly want to do, without feeling selfish, guilty, or overly worried that I might upset someone else.
I've struggled with this in my personal relationships, but not only there - at work, too. I often said yes to tasks that were not part of my job description or accepted new projects when I already had too much on my plate.
But one day, I mustered the courage to speak up for myself and see what happened. To my surprise, everything was just fine when I started expressing my needs.
Setting boundaries was a skill I had to learn, and here's where I am now: If it sounds like a "should," I don't do it. I learned to say "no" to things I don't genuinely want to do, without fear of disappointing others.
Saying "no" doesn't mean I dislike or reject the other person. I know I can't disappoint anyone. People disappoint themselves with the expectations they set for who they want me to be and what they expect me to do. It's always about them, with absolutely no bearing on me. If they truly care about me, they'll understand.
It's not my job to please others, and I don't feel the need to offer excuses or apologize for how I choose to invest my precious time. We all decide how much we offer.
Setting boundaries in relationships might seem selfish to the outside world. In reality, it is a form of self-respect, self-love, and self-care.
4. Give up the quest for perfection
In my past, I nearly burned out at work due to excessive pressure and expectations. I worked for ten hours daily as a rule, plus weekends. I couldn't sleep well, and I mostly spent my weekends recovering from stress by overeating.
One day, I collapsed. I frequently saw my colleagues leaving the office after regular hours, while I continued to work overtime. I blamed myself for being less intelligent than my peers, thinking my mind couldn't process my assignments as quickly. In essence, I believed I was stupid.
I spoke with my manager about my workload and that was a turning point. I expressed my concerns, and he reminded me that he only expected me to manage the day-to-day business. He had never asked for perfection, only "good enough".
That revelation was mind-blowing. For the first time in my life, I understood that "good enough" had never been part of my repertoire. I couldn't define what that was. I wanted everything to be perfect to avoid being criticized or blamed for poor performance. I was an overachiever, measuring my human worth through my professional results and accomplishments.
I was pushing the bar so high that my body couldn't handle the expectations I set for myself any longer. No one else was at fault for my situation, but me.
From this experience, I learned that the pursuit of perfection is energy-consuming and can exhaust both the body and mind. If this resonates with you, remember that you'll never be rid of perfectionism until you learn to accept "good enough".
Now I do my best, aim for progress, and embrace my mistakes as valuable opportunities for growth. I've learned to respect my human limitations and understand that perfection doesn't exist.
5. Let go of the "do it all" mentality
In today's fast-paced world, many of us have forgotten the simple pleasure of just being. People are always doing something or racing off somewhere, leaving little time for relaxation. Some of us even feel guilty for doing nothing.
But here's what I believe: Doing nothing isn't laziness. As long as it comes from a place of personal choice, doing nothing is an action!
6. Love and accept myself, just as I am
I won't mince words here: I often put others' needs above my own, not because I genuinely wanted to help. In many cases, I did it to gain their approval or fear being cast aside. I wanted people to view me as competent, irreplaceable, and powerful, especially at work, where I needed to feel important, valuable, and needed.
This went hand-in-hand with a strong need for control, as I believed it would ensure my inclusion in my group of friends, providing a sense of safety and security I desired. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we all have a basic need to belong to a group or community[1]. However, if the price is living behind a facade and having a hidden agenda, our relationships can become unhealthy and even toxic.
Looking back, I realize I often used others as a means to validate myself. I spent a significant amount of my life trying to please others to avoid myself. Focusing on others was a way to escape my own flaws and shortcomings. I associated this behavior with my extroverted nature, but today I know that was a lie.
Once I learned to love and approve of myself unconditionally and treat myself as my own best friend, I no longer felt the need for others' validation. Though I still long for love and appreciation, I'm no longer needy for affirmation, and I longer strive to control others' perceptions of me. I know they'll always see me through their own filters.
Since I started taking better care of myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally, I've experienced a surge of happiness and balance, energy, and vitality. Investing in myself was the best decision I could ever make, and a life-changing choice.
And I'd like to hear from you. Have you ever felt like taking care of yourself and putting your heart's desires first was selfish? Do you tend to prioritize others' needs over your own? And why do you think that is?
by Sara Fabian**
Sara Fabian is a women's career and empowerment coach and motivational speaker. Her mission is to help professional women discover their unique strengths, talents, and gifts, boost their confidence, find their calling, and live a meaningful life of purpose. For weekly inspiration, subscribe to her free newsletter at sarafabiancoaching.com or follow her on Facebook.**
Enrichment Data:- Recognize and Challenge Your Patterns: Reflect on why you prioritize others' needs; reframe negative thoughts about saying "no".- Set Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say "no", communicate your needs, and assert yourself effectively.- Practice Self-Care: Indulge in activities you enjoy, manage stress, and promote a sense of calm.- Seek Support and Guidance: Work with a therapist or coach, and surround yourself with supportive relationships.- Embrace Self-Compassion and Authenticity: Reconnect with your values, practice self-love, and express your true self.
[1] Maslow, A. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370-396.[2] Gilbert, D. (2010). Stumbling on Happiness. New York: Knopf.[3] Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Gotham Books.[4] Frost, R. (2015). The Power of Self-Compansion: Making Up for the Self-Esteem Myth. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.[5] Khoury-Kassabri, L. (2012). Career Adjustment in the New Millennium: A Paradigm Shift. Toronto: John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd.
In light of Louise Hay's affirmation, I recognize that self-care isn't selfish but fair, and I deserve to indulge in activities that nurture my spirit, prioritize my physical well-being, establish healthy boundaries, let go of the quest for perfection, love and accept myself just as I am, and practice the "do nothing" mentality as a form of self-care, all in pursuit of personal growth and a enriching lifestyle that includes education-and-self-development.
My self-compassion overrauled the ingrained behaviors of neglecting my needs, and I eagerly embrace this transformation to create a better balance between giving and receiving, ultimately fostering an empowered lifestyle that I highly value and deserve.
