Strategies for Mending Chaotic Bonding in Mature Individuals

Strategies for Mending Chaotic Bonding in Mature Individuals

Learn about healing disorganized attachment in this unfiltered guide.

Struggling with disorganized attachment can make relationships difficult and impact your overall life. Luckily, you can work to heal it and move towards a secure attachment style.

First, figure out your attachment style by taking this quiz.

Understand what disorganized attachment is:

• Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory describes human relationships based on our earliest interactions with primary caregivers.
• Four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
• Insecure attachment styles can make it tough to form emotional connections, while secure attachment leads to healthier relationships.

Disorganized attachment (also known as fearful avoidance) is a mix of anxious and avoidant styles. People with this attachment style deeply desire love but are terrified of being abandoned, making them unpredictable in relationships.

Usually developed from childhood trauma or neglect, those with disorganized attachment may have experienced caregivers with substance abuse or unresolved trauma. Dissociative behaviors towards the child caused the child to behave in ways that increased their chances of survival, such as trying to please the caregiver while also withdrawing.

Traits of disorganized attachment can feel like confusion, going from seeing a partner as a place of safety to vilifying them, without a steady ground in a relationship. At the same time, they may possess unique strengths, such as passion, creativity, charisma, and deep compassion for others.

If you have disorganized attachment, you might subconsciously sabotage relationships, feel manipulative, and suffer from loneliness and emotional dissatisfaction. These behaviors often lead to mental health problems like borderline personality, depression, and anxiety disorders separate from the focus here.

Disorganized attachment leads to attracting partners with insecure attachment styles, reinforcing beliefs and keeping individuals stuck in their patterns. This dynamic is known as the "anxious-avoidant trap." Breaking this pattern requires retraining the nervous system or psychotherapy.

Dating with disorganized attachment can involve overgeneralizing, vilifying partners, and lacking boundaries or empathy for others. These actions can cause your partners to see you as manipulative or "gaslighters," though disorganized attachment involves childhood trauma and is not related to an intent to hurt others.

Healing disorganized attachment takes effort and can involve both self-guided work and therapeutic support. The treatment must address mind, body, and spirit to create deep healing.

The path to healing disorganized attachment consists of three main steps:

1. Practice self-compassion and establish supportive relationships, such as a therapist.
2. Shift your identity by separating past events from self-worth and believing that everyone, including yourself, is worthy of love and belonging.
3. Engage in the deep work of reframing negative beliefs, healing early wounds, and understanding how these beliefs have affected your relationships and worldview.

Not sure where to begin? Consider taking an attachment style course or checking out these recommended books on attachment theory:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
• Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
• Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) With Individuals, Couples, and Families

1. Recognize the complexity of disorganized attachment as a mix of anxious and avoidant styles, deeply rooted in childhood trauma or neglect.
2. Understand that a secure attachment style, in contrast, leads to healthier relationships and emotional connections.
3. Identify your attachment style by taking a quiz to understand if disorganized attachment is impacting your personal growth and relationships.
4. Acknowledge traits of disorganized attachment, such as instability in relationships, unpredictability, and a deep desire for love alongside fear of abandonment.
5. Confront subconscious behaviors, like sabotaging relationships, emotional dissatisfaction, and manipulation, which may stem from disorganized attachment.
6. Pursue education-and-self-development resources, like attachment style courses or recommended books, to help navigate healing disorganized attachment.
7. Engage in therapy or mental-health treatments that address the mind, body, and spirit, such as emotionally focused therapy (EFT) or other psychotherapeutic approaches.
8. Cultivate a lifestyle centered on self-compassion, supportive relationships, and empathy for others.
9. Shift your identity by separating past events from self-worth and believing that everyone, including yourself, is worthy of love, belonging, and mental-health.
10. Embrace the healing process of reframing negative beliefs, healing early wounds, and understanding how these beliefs have affected relationships, worldview, and overall life, leading to personal growth and improved relationships.

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